I really feel compelled to proceed the “Embrace the Suck” saga by sharing my latest expertise in my therapeutic journey. Typically I discover that God has an unimaginable humorousness when He jogs my memory of one thing I wrote whereas going via the identical expertise I wrote about, as was the case for me this week.
I’ve been specializing in therapeutic my physique for the previous a number of months. Trauma infects our our bodies on so many ranges. There may be plenty of analysis on the way it could cause numerous situations associated to elevated stress hormones and different issues. As a sexual abuse survivor, I’ve been avoiding this space of my therapeutic journey for a very long time as a result of I intuitively knew there was lots to unpack, all of which go very deep.
Nevertheless, I’ve come to the purpose the place I really feel prefer it’s time to collect my braveness and are available face to face-with the arduous issues.
I discovered an important follow of purposeful medical doctors who’re trauma-informed and prepared to assist me unravel a few of my well being points.
After preliminary testing, I launched into a 30-day DETOX (Entire 30) to assist my physique filter all of the toxins collected in my system. I can’t get into the depths of the Entire 30 plan at this level, however, in abstract, it includes eradicating issues like dairy, grains, sugar (even substitutes), and bread and consuming complete, unprocessed meals for 30 days. After 30 days, you begin re-introducing meals classes into your food regimen, being attentive to how your physique responds.
This course of has been a problem…mentally, emotionally, and bodily. I believe everybody begins out gung-ho as a result of we wish to unravel what’s going on in our our bodies, however after per week or two of consuming the identical issues and having so many restrictions, the Entire 30 food regimen begins to check your mindset. There have been instances after I wished to give up or cheat, significantly as a result of I used to be centered solely on the issues I couldn’t have.
I needed to work via the agitation in my thoughts about feeling restricted and constrained, which is an particularly troublesome battle for sexual abuse survivors. Feeling restricted and constrained triggers all types of responses in my physique. I stored reminding myself that I used to be doing this food regimen so I may really feel higher in my very own pores and skin and never essentially drop extra pounds. I challenged myself to concentrate on what I may have and introduce some creativity to the method, which helped tremendously.
As well as, so many issues got here to the floor for me emotionally. At instances, the food regimen felt like a punishment, and I needed to persuade these little components of me that I used to be doing this food regimen to assist us all really feel higher.
I knew issues would begin arising for me, which is why I averted it for thus lengthy. Once I was an adolescent substance abuse counselor (in the beginning of my profession), we used to name any such course of “mentioning somebody’s backside.” To be extra particular, lots of the heavier components of our previous sink to the underside, and to take away these undesirable components, now we have to excavate them.
I lastly completed the thirty-day detox, with Easter Sunday being my final day. I may say I “survived” it, however I wish to do far more than survive. I wish to assist my physique really feel higher…to perform higher. Earlier than initiating the re-introduction of meals, I needed to have a pep-talk with myself, affirming that to succeed in my purpose of serving to my physique really feel higher, I must make selections that supported that purpose…some selections could be tougher than others.
Along with working via the bodily a part of my therapeutic journey, I went via a 2-week stretch the place my attachment wounds have been triggered by adjustments to current relationships (like my teaching container ending with my enterprise coach, whom I’ve come to adore). However it wasn’t only one scenario.
My typical triggered response to my attachment wounds was set off, main me to query all different attachments and to “turtle” (as in pulling away from all of the wholesome attachments I had). This state of affairs just isn’t one thing I do deliberately; it’s a part of my trauma response, and I may see a sample to it.
The massive problem I confronted this week was working via the attachment stuff with out the assistance of a long-standing coping technique: meals. (I’m positive a lot of you possibly can relate to emotional consuming.) Primarily, my dedication to this consuming plan clashed with my capacity to manage emotionally with the ache of my attachment wounds.
I informed my therapist this week that it felt like I took the pacifier away from the infant, and nothing else would soothe that wounded half. I knew this subject was surfacing as a result of I’ve been utilizing meals to manage since I used to be a toddler… due to my mother’s instructing. (She loves individuals via meals.) I felt intensely agitated in my spirit and thoughts. It was like watching my kids after they have been sick, and I may do nothing to assuage them or make them extra comfy.
My expertise was so intense that I wished to come back out of my pores and skin. I wished to make use of meals for consolation, however I had come up to now and didn’t wish to begin over. In addition to, that is what I used to be attempting to get to; these are the issues I knew I wanted to take care of.
At this very intense second, the Lord jogged my memory of the unique weblog I wrote on Embracing the Suck and challenged me concerning whether or not I might do what I informed y’all to do. Ouch! Thanks very a lot for that pointed reminder, Lord.
There are particular issues which can be core values for me, and one among them is authenticity. I can’t faux to be somebody or one thing I’m not. I can’t faux to have all of it collectively when I’m on the therapeutic journey with everybody else. I’ll NOT play the hypocrite by telling you to “do as I say, not as I do” as a result of I heard that too many instances throughout my childhood. I’m going to be actual and hold it actual.
So this week, I’ve been embracing the suck with you. It has been extraordinarily uncomfortable, painful, and difficult, but additionally useful to my therapeutic journey.
Listed here are among the issues I realized this week:
1. I’ve a definitive response sample when my attachment wounds are triggered. It is rather constant. I additionally know I have to re-attach as soon as it has run its cycle.
2. My coping technique for this set off includes emotional consuming. This has been the response for a lot of a long time and isn’t straightforward to extinguish. Not permitting myself to make use of this coping technique tells me it may be performed, regardless that the intense agitation was very actual.
3. The depth I skilled got here from a wounded little one half from my previous, not the current. The depth was the factor that alerted me that I used to be triggered into an emotional flashback. As soon as I noticed that, I may view that half with extra compassion.
4. Whereas the feelings have been extraordinarily intense, they lasted for a second within the scheme of issues. Typically after we expertise intense ache or discomfort, we expect it should final endlessly, and we have to escape it. However the depth will go. It gained’t final endlessly.
5. My capability to take a seat in and tolerate discomfort has grown exponentially since I began remedy in 2019. I’ve come a good distance and am grateful for my development.
Nicely, my associates, welcome to the suck. I want this have been the final time I might be right here, however I do know that’s not true. I’m anticipating many extra “alternatives for development” to come back out of this well being journey I’m enterprise. Whereas I’m not trying ahead to the discomfort, my eyes are centered on the prize.
As at all times, you aren’t alone on this journey. I might like to accompany you in your brave path to therapeutic. Contact me to schedule your free discovery name.
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Believer. Chief. Learner. Advocate. Author. Speaker. Coach. Mentor. Triathlete. Encourager. Survivor.
Most of all, I’m a fellow traveler on the rocky street referred to as, Trauma Restoration. My mission is to attenuate the consequences of trauma for survivors within the office.