Content material warning: I’m going to say some issues that folks may discover, not good. You’ve been warned, and your feedback can be monitored.
At present’s subject is relatively arduous for me to outline upfront so let me begin off with an apology as I attempt to sidle my method as much as my subject.
The thought is a tangle of threads.
Among the many contributors are loneliness, social media, emotional manipulation and blackmail, accountability, and the denial of the identical, entitlement, sufferer claiming and sufferer blaming. Plus a great deal I believe I haven’t touched on but. As I stated, it’s a multitude and I’m going to should assume my method via this essay very fastidiously.
First off, what bought me mulling over this tangle within the first place?
It’s one thing I’ve seen repeated time and again in on-line CPTSD communities. Now let me put within the caveats of not everybody, and never each neighborhood, so for those who assume you’re gonna slam me for absolutism — you may simply put that ‘not all’ remark again in your pocket. I’m speaking a few phenomenon I’ve seen a number of instances now in on-line CPTSD communities.
So what is that this phenomena?
It’s when an individual (individual A) enters the area with an ideal whopping load of ‘Oh poor me the world is so unfair, persons are icky and I’m the sufferer of the whole lot.’
Effectively first off, you’re in a CPTSD discussion board, so yeah, these issues are just about a given by a lot of the people in right here. What else is new? Within the particular circumstances I keep in mind the person went on to proclaim that they wanted assist. Okay. Positive, that’s just about why we’re all right here, what can we do for you? Slowly the individual unwinds their story of woe. And just about people are like, ‘Yeah, been there carried out that’ and a few ask questions like ‘What have you ever tried?’ ‘How are you engaged on your self?’ ‘Are you able to see how your actions contributed to your drawback?’
That is the place issues go a bit pear-shaped.
Within the situations I keep in mind this level is the place the individual in query jams on the brakes–full cease. And fires questions again like “How dare you not assist me absolutely?’ ‘How will you name your self a assist group, if you find yourself attacking me?’ ‘How will you indicate that I did something flawed as a result of I’m the VICTIM? Have a look at my amazingly lengthy line of in poor health fortune, neglect, abuse, and struggling.’
One thing attention-grabbing occurs at this level. In essence, the responses fall into two camps: hawks and doves. (blankets and bootstraps, possibly?)
Dove’s solutions are, generally, the parents within the group who agree with the evaluation of Particular person A that everybody is being icky as a result of they don’t seem to be rolling out the crimson pity carpet. They’re comforting and validating. Security blankets, gentle landings.
The hawks are usually the parents asking questions on how Particular person A’s character/CPTSD responses might need added to or formed their notion of occasions. They have a tendency to ask questions like ‘What are you doing to beat your CPTSD?’ The bootstrap camp.
Each camps are caring. Each camps wish to assist. Each camps are wanted, always. Who hasn’t actually appreciated a gentle touchdown after we wanted one? Who hasn’t benefitted from some arduous questions infrequently?
That is the place what I’ve seen actually grows tooth. It’s when Particular person A actively fuels this divide inside the neighborhood. Their want for chaos and drama drives them, and their responses amplify the variations between these two types of assist. I’ve seen Particular person A reply with name-calling, hostility, divisive language, and accusations of victim-blaming. They take no accountability, they pursue no options, they’ll make no connection between their actions and penalties, and they’re current to be soothed and validated, they’re owed.
In brief, they drain an ideal deal out of the neighborhood and sow division.
In a current instance, Particular person A got here to the group with great loneliness, one thing virtually all of us can relate to very nicely. In the midst of the rambling rationalization/criticism of their scenario, they described a social experiment they’d performed ‘on-line’ simply to see who cared. It didn’t go as they’d hoped, and certainly when their hoax was found, lots of their on-line connections severed contact.
Instantly folks got here to assist this individual, some as doves, some as hawks, however every one among them cared. The result, once more was not what Particular person A wished. The mere query that their actions provoked a few of their connections to go away was met with outright hostility, name-calling, and a great many aspersions flung about.
The beneficiant doves of the group did their greatest.
And so they additionally are inclined to have fairly good boundaries and are much less seemingly to purchase the “pity me, give me all of the validation, as a result of I’ve had it so hard-line” as a result of– all of us have.
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Presently I’m looking for a writer for novel 1. Writing. Writing. Enhancing. Enhancing.
And making an attempt to tame the feral kittens that overrun the tiny city I name house.